right now. listening to aretha franklin's "chain of fools"
i love the power of her voice.
the best music, is the kind where you know the artist has an expression as it's being recorded, not just singing or playing along, but feeling the music inside of their soul.
it gives you goosebumps.
tomorrow i'm driving to tallahassee, and i'm so excited.
i feel sort of like im drowning back home.
this is how it is:
you stick your big toe in the water in a pool. it feel alright. you cannonball right in. the water consumes you and you can feel the bubbles of oxygen popping off your skin underneath.. as you exhale a bit of air from your nostrils you open your eyes and the disoriented vision is somewhat breath taking.you paddle up to the surface and gasp. AHHH! oxygen. life. you smile. wipe your eyes. begin to tread water. but treading gets old, and tiresome. you love the water, but you're exhausted. your chest begins to burn. there's a piercing sharpness and your breath gets heavy. you begin to move your arms and legs, faster, faster. can you make it to the side? if you make it to the side and hang on you can enjoy the complete atmosphere within the comforts of this watery world.
i'm there.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
disgusted
i dont know how to explain what is going on in my life right now.
it feels like my world is crashing around me. taking bits and pieces of me along. i know im not the one at fault. but am i the catalyst? he has medicines, but he's self prescribing.
he is two faced. he is cycnical. he lies. he manipulates.
he says that he loves me more than i will ever know or understand. but that he cant be my friend like my mother is.
but thats the thing. i dont know if its so much that i am my mothers friend and she is mine as much as she is the one person i can trust with my deepest fears, worries, concerns, my happiest moments. i trust her. she trusts me. we have fun together, and she remembers the things that are important to me. tell me a mother is supposed to be anything less than that and i wouldnt believe you for one second.
my dad however, he used to be my number 1. i could tell him anything. i would tell him everything. not sure if it was the onset of puberty, or his becoming sick, sometimes i wonder if the onset of puberty was what made him sick, but from that point onward, its always been a struggle. it breaks his heart? it breaks my heart to not like my father. yes. i have to love him. no matter what. i have to stick up for him. but i do not like him.
communicating with him is next to impossible. it hurts. it wears me out. he cuts me down as a person. how can you cut someone down that you dont even know?
he says i dont respect myself...how's that for a jab at your inner being? what a dirtbag.
....once again, sincerest apologies for this blog. i needed to get it out of my system, my blood was on the boil. better blogs to come. soon. just welled up with emotion you know.
it feels like my world is crashing around me. taking bits and pieces of me along. i know im not the one at fault. but am i the catalyst? he has medicines, but he's self prescribing.
he is two faced. he is cycnical. he lies. he manipulates.
he says that he loves me more than i will ever know or understand. but that he cant be my friend like my mother is.
but thats the thing. i dont know if its so much that i am my mothers friend and she is mine as much as she is the one person i can trust with my deepest fears, worries, concerns, my happiest moments. i trust her. she trusts me. we have fun together, and she remembers the things that are important to me. tell me a mother is supposed to be anything less than that and i wouldnt believe you for one second.
my dad however, he used to be my number 1. i could tell him anything. i would tell him everything. not sure if it was the onset of puberty, or his becoming sick, sometimes i wonder if the onset of puberty was what made him sick, but from that point onward, its always been a struggle. it breaks his heart? it breaks my heart to not like my father. yes. i have to love him. no matter what. i have to stick up for him. but i do not like him.
communicating with him is next to impossible. it hurts. it wears me out. he cuts me down as a person. how can you cut someone down that you dont even know?
he says i dont respect myself...how's that for a jab at your inner being? what a dirtbag.
....once again, sincerest apologies for this blog. i needed to get it out of my system, my blood was on the boil. better blogs to come. soon. just welled up with emotion you know.
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