disgusted

i dont know how to explain what is going on in my life right now.

it feels like my world is crashing around me. taking bits and pieces of me along. i know im not the one at fault. but am i the catalyst? he has medicines, but he's self prescribing.
he is two faced. he is cycnical. he lies. he manipulates.
he says that he loves me more than i will ever know or understand. but that he cant be my friend like my mother is.
but thats the thing. i dont know if its so much that i am my mothers friend and she is mine as much as she is the one person i can trust with my deepest fears, worries, concerns, my happiest moments. i trust her. she trusts me. we have fun together, and she remembers the things that are important to me. tell me a mother is supposed to be anything less than that and i wouldnt believe you for one second.
my dad however, he used to be my number 1. i could tell him anything. i would tell him everything. not sure if it was the onset of puberty, or his becoming sick, sometimes i wonder if the onset of puberty was what made him sick, but from that point onward, its always been a struggle. it breaks his heart? it breaks my heart to not like my father. yes. i have to love him. no matter what. i have to stick up for him. but i do not like him.

communicating with him is next to impossible. it hurts. it wears me out. he cuts me down as a person. how can you cut someone down that you dont even know?
he says i dont respect myself...how's that for a jab at your inner being? what a dirtbag.



....once again, sincerest apologies for this blog. i needed to get it out of my system, my blood was on the boil. better blogs to come. soon. just welled up with emotion you know.