Ipa?

i'm flipping out.
i hate that i blog only when i'm upset, but it feels like its really the only way to channel my frustrations.

i'm tired of drinking. its stupid. its not fun anymore.
im tired of eric smoking weed around me.
interesting thing is that eric's brother kevin's girlfriend asked him to stop smoking too.
this is how i see it, would he like it if i spoke on the phone the whole time i was with him? no. he wouldn;t, when he's smoked out, it makes me feel like he's preoccupied.
rawr.

and today my Ipa (grandpa on my moms side) called looking for me mom. she;s out of town, so i chatted with him for a bit.
it makes me so sad. i miss him so much. its like he traded us for a new life, for new people.
its the most worthless feeling. i cant even imagine how my abuela feels, to have been married to a man for 40 years, and to find out that for YEARS he'd been having an affair with a woman the same age her youngest daughter.
its despicable, but at the same time, its your Ipa. you love this man.

there's like a war inside my heart. a war that wants to love him. wants to love a boy. but there's something blockading, i dont want to be broken. i dont want to know that pain. ever.

and tonight. i go out again. to hang out with people that are going to smoke and drink.
i'm above that. i can have a fantastic time with out mind altering substances.
i need to make new friends, or re kindle with old friends. i need to be own person.
:/

but i still love mi Ipa.

heart?

Friday morning:
jumped out of bed. trembling. i thought, maybe i'm not really shaking? maybe i'm still dreaming? looked down at my hands, uncontrollable trembles. my head was full, of brains maybe? of thoughts? of paranoia? my chest was tight. and getting tighter. breathing was constricted. normally, i'm at peace with myself, each breath is more life. but this time, each breath, i was getting more and more full. i wanted to keel over and just lay down forever. when i went to school, i felt like every person that spoke to me was interrogating me. i got home from school and bawled my eyes out. i've never ever EVER felt like that before.

Friday afternoon:
eric came. thankfully.

Saturday:
African Dance Music Festival. still felt paranoid, but the dancing made me feel better i guess.
i picked eric up from Marshalls. i was supposed to drive home right after that, to spend some quality family time, but what i dont understand about quality family time, is that all we do is sit on the couch, watching TV, while one of the parents snoozes off to sleep. i'm sorry. but thats just really frustrating. i want to do things, to talk, to laugh to sing and dance. thats quality time. so i didnt drive right home. instead, eric and i napped, and talked and laughed and kissed, and it was awesome awesome awesome.
when i got home, there was a birthday dilemma :( nicola was having a birthday celebration at a cafe in Avondale called Biscotti's. it was an adorable cafe and the food was really cute. and good too i guess?
yo no se.
eric was cute. and kissy. and nice. and i like him alots. i'm kind of concerned he's trying to say -iloveyou. ?!??? not so much concern. i mean i think i could handle it. i dotn know. but im not into the saying thing anymore. i'd rather just be shown. and he's definitely showing me cute stuff.

after the biscotti's experience, eric and i were by a dock in his neighborhood and cops showed up. they made us get out of the car, and asked how old we were, what we were doing, i dont know a lot of stupid questions. it was the cops first day and the other cop with him was his supervisor and was like eh he was suspicious ajdjfldksjflkfjlk whatever. its retarded. i was mad. blaaah

sunday. worked out with my mom and brother. went to church and then went to dinner with the family. after that went out with eric and people and played beer pong and what not. it was super fun too. but i got home really late. and my dad was pissed

and today. my mother yelled at me. saying i choose other relationships over my own with my family. she might be right. i might have done that with other boys. but i dont feel like that. not with him? so i skipped school and hung out with him instead. and as i was napping on his chest i woke up and he was looking at me. and smiled, and said please dont look at me as i'm admiring you.

<3<3<3
and now i'm in Tallahassee.
listening to aboy in nic's english class play the guitar. he's kind of nice. i dont know.
i miss people

um

i think i'm having anxiety attacks

my Generation X factor

so, yesterday i was super bummed. for no apparent reason.

but its as if my internal bad news awareness clock went off early. i'm online, talking to a friend, telling him that i need to get a drink in my system, to get me out of the funk i was in.

BAM! text!
BAM! instant message!

hellloooo ex boyfriends, just saying whats up, seein how i'm doing. earlier in the week, call from another ex, just today, another ex texts me. but i'm infuriated. i can't understand why there is never a clean break? why guys, especially these guys, the ones that essentially broke it off with me, because i was too much of one thing and too little of another, just not quite right.
heart-breaking.

oh well. today, i feel good. granted, i'm hung over. and my stomach is like eating itself.
i'm glad my funk is done.

inklings.

today...
today i am sad.

:/ i don't know why

nothing bad happened.
good stuff happened in fact

i hung out with drew pool side and we laughed and talked and i miss him.
and steve and i are cool again. which is awesome because i think he was really important to me, and i just kinda, pushed away his importance because.. i dont know? i wanted to be a bitch?
then again is still have every right. whatever. one thing about bitterness, it always always prevails. :/

derek picked me up from school today. he was the last person i contacted before my phone went kaputz on me and he came through. that was super nice.

jhfldjfldkkjflskdjfdlfjlksjfsl.
still. i am sad.
i need a kiss. not necessarily a lip kiss, though i would like one very much.
but the kiss on the cheek. the i love you and i miss you and i think you're a good friend and i just want to know that i am proud of you.
and while sure, someone could tell me all of those things, just a simple thing could let me know.

waaah.
i suck ha. this is the last sad post for a very long time

oh yes,
and i really hope that Obama doesnt win the presidency.

explosion

i want to go home.

i miss aquatics camp. i miss the summers of my life i spent working there.
i miss that first summer and all the love my life was filled with. i thought i was just going to explode of happiness.

my insides, like my heart, it hurts today.
don't know why.

explode.

i
am
frustrated.

i
want
to
be
the
person
i used to be.

i liked me a whole lot better, when i didnt know as many things.
when i wasnt as free.
when my time was consumed.
i liked it better when people were on my back about responding, and deadlines, and when i was working towards a goal, like getting into college.

why am i suddenly so uninspired?

its not that i'm uninspired.. i have a lot of ideas. i dream a lot.
i'm not motivated.
tomorrow.
i am going to run.
i'm going to run until my heart feels like it will burst from my chest. i need the pain, i need the gasping for air, to remind me that i am alive.

sex and the city.

this entire weekend i've been yearning to bawl my eyes out. maybe its just me being hormonal. or maybe i just havent cried in entirely too long. maybe i'm sensitive. whatever.

drove back home, yet again. went to eric's brothers graduation from highschool. it was nice. it was very long. met more family. they were fun. the ride home was hilarious. in the back of the SUV we all drove in was a cooler filled with drinks. their cousin looks back there and tells us there are beers. so, eric, his brother, their cousin thats our age and i all crack one open and enjoy the ride home. illegal in so many ways, hilarious in so many other ways.

saturday i woke up and convinced my little brother to go to the Y with me. got a good work out in, saw eric, played some basketball with my brother, then went swimming. my brother took me out to lunch and we talked for a while. i miss hanging out with him. he's a good boy. i love him so much.

mom and i went to target and bought adorable dresses for the grad parties that night.
stayed in the neighborhood for a little bit to celebrate my neighbor's graduation. he however didnt even stay at his party. he was at his house the whole night with his friends. i, as well as many other guests, thought that to be extremely rude. here we are, celebrating his day, giving him presents, wanting to talk to him, and he was too absorbed in whatever to even be in attendance at his own party.

then went to eric's brother's party. met a whole lot of people. i looked super cute, if i do say so myself, i was feeling super confident. i think it showed.

today. went to the eagle harbor pool with eric and his family. we went tubing and i taught him how to knee board. but he had to go to work. i didnt want to seem like a user, so my brother and i stayed at the pool with his family for a bit. he had to leave for work. but then, everyone i knew left. like him mom and dad and sister. we were left with a 2 aunts, an uncle, and a few cousins that wanted absolutely nothing to do with us.

joe and i go home. i shower because nic and claire are going to come pick me up and we're all going to drive to tallahassee. buttttt. there's a torrential down pour. and so we leave tomorrow morning. eric and i were both bummed i was leaving today (normally i leave on mondays and can hang out with him those mornings, that would not be the case this week) and then i didnt know when i was coming home again. sighhh. anyway. as soon as i found out we'd be leaving tomorrow i texted him, saying come over!fndfjdlj.

and so, its probably not some huge deal. but i feel shafted. he wanted to go to some girls graduation party. a girl i dont particularly like. just because i make initial judgments of people when i meet them and there was just something about her i didnt like. anyway. like, i figured would eventually happen, drugs and alcohol and other people were chosen over me.
i didnt think that my feelings would be as hurt as they are. i'm terribly sad right now. he's drunk as hell, and he wanted me to come to his house. at 1:30 in the morning. normally on times like these (when hes not intoxicated) we lie down on my driveway, look at the stars, and talk. i'm not going to even lie. i was really looking forward to that. we werent alone at all this weekend.
i let him get me in a pissy mood. shit my story line and concept of time is all out of whack i'm so upset. mom and i saw sex and the city. boy did i cry. it was a good movie. i needed a cry like no other. my favorite part of the movie, somewhat odd, but my favorite none the less went something like this:

**CAUTION** do not read if you've not seen the movie

Big is sort of leaving Carrie at the altar. he stops his limo when he realizes that he and carrie are meant to be. carries limo is driving by. he jumps out and tries to get her. she gets out of her limo and runs to him and begins beating him with her bouquet. she runs to charlotte and throws her arms around her and starts sobbing like mad. Big tries to go up to her and charlotte, in a fit of rage, her eyes tear, and her face turns red, she points and SCREAMS at him "NO! NO!!!"
you have to see it to feel the power in that. i cried like crazy.

why? why did i cry?
was it because i've felt like carrie? being shafted and taken for granted? upset that i retaliated in a retarded and humiliating way? maybe not beating someone with a bouquet, but something just as futile? was it that i felt like Big? realizing i made the biggest mistake? was i empathizing with charlotte? protecting the people i love? or was i wishing i had someone like charlotte, that optimistic person, wishing the best, but in the most important of times whipping out that backbone and sheltering me from my deepest nightmares?
i dont know. but it affected me. deeply.

however, im indian style on my bed. not in pajamas. wiping my snotty little nose on the towel next to me, with tears running down my face, reflecting on that powerful scene, wishing that there was someone in my life that i felt that passionately about. be it best friend or significant man in my life.