one last exam today and then im officially on winter break. wooh! yet another semester down.
it's been a wild semester to say the least. but i think i've been the happiest. living in a condo with a good friend, sure we have our ups and downs, but im grateful for her.
and claire, always so much fun. even the most boring thing in the world is made absolutely intriguing and hilarious with her.
lost nicola though. :( more onto that on some other day when there is more energy to spend on that topic.
and eric. mm. what to say what to say. i love being in love? i love being in love with him? it's scary to feel like i feel. i dont even think that scary is the right word...let's go to a thesaurus:
alarming, bloodcurdling, chilling, creepy, eerie, hair-raising, hairy*, horrendous, horrifying, intimidating, shocking, spine-chilling, spooky, unnerving
um. i think... intimidating and unnerving are pretty descriptive.
he does make me mad though. i feel like he has the capacity to do much. but he's just consumed with the moment, what feels good is what he should do. and he's dangerous. and he is the guy i promised myself i'd never like, and so i fell in love. woe is me.
i worry about him all the time. i think the reason that we work so well is because we're in different cities. thats a little bit sad. but i think i'd just freak out completely if i saw his antics everyday.
does that mean that there is no future for us? i hope he changes. not for me, not because it's what i want, but because it's good for him.
ah too tired. im sorry. and there's so much on my mind i hope i dont forget all of it. gainesville tomorrow. so excited to see him!!!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
soul music
right now. listening to aretha franklin's "chain of fools"
i love the power of her voice.
the best music, is the kind where you know the artist has an expression as it's being recorded, not just singing or playing along, but feeling the music inside of their soul.
it gives you goosebumps.
tomorrow i'm driving to tallahassee, and i'm so excited.
i feel sort of like im drowning back home.
this is how it is:
you stick your big toe in the water in a pool. it feel alright. you cannonball right in. the water consumes you and you can feel the bubbles of oxygen popping off your skin underneath.. as you exhale a bit of air from your nostrils you open your eyes and the disoriented vision is somewhat breath taking.you paddle up to the surface and gasp. AHHH! oxygen. life. you smile. wipe your eyes. begin to tread water. but treading gets old, and tiresome. you love the water, but you're exhausted. your chest begins to burn. there's a piercing sharpness and your breath gets heavy. you begin to move your arms and legs, faster, faster. can you make it to the side? if you make it to the side and hang on you can enjoy the complete atmosphere within the comforts of this watery world.
i'm there.
i love the power of her voice.
the best music, is the kind where you know the artist has an expression as it's being recorded, not just singing or playing along, but feeling the music inside of their soul.
it gives you goosebumps.
tomorrow i'm driving to tallahassee, and i'm so excited.
i feel sort of like im drowning back home.
this is how it is:
you stick your big toe in the water in a pool. it feel alright. you cannonball right in. the water consumes you and you can feel the bubbles of oxygen popping off your skin underneath.. as you exhale a bit of air from your nostrils you open your eyes and the disoriented vision is somewhat breath taking.you paddle up to the surface and gasp. AHHH! oxygen. life. you smile. wipe your eyes. begin to tread water. but treading gets old, and tiresome. you love the water, but you're exhausted. your chest begins to burn. there's a piercing sharpness and your breath gets heavy. you begin to move your arms and legs, faster, faster. can you make it to the side? if you make it to the side and hang on you can enjoy the complete atmosphere within the comforts of this watery world.
i'm there.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
disgusted
i dont know how to explain what is going on in my life right now.
it feels like my world is crashing around me. taking bits and pieces of me along. i know im not the one at fault. but am i the catalyst? he has medicines, but he's self prescribing.
he is two faced. he is cycnical. he lies. he manipulates.
he says that he loves me more than i will ever know or understand. but that he cant be my friend like my mother is.
but thats the thing. i dont know if its so much that i am my mothers friend and she is mine as much as she is the one person i can trust with my deepest fears, worries, concerns, my happiest moments. i trust her. she trusts me. we have fun together, and she remembers the things that are important to me. tell me a mother is supposed to be anything less than that and i wouldnt believe you for one second.
my dad however, he used to be my number 1. i could tell him anything. i would tell him everything. not sure if it was the onset of puberty, or his becoming sick, sometimes i wonder if the onset of puberty was what made him sick, but from that point onward, its always been a struggle. it breaks his heart? it breaks my heart to not like my father. yes. i have to love him. no matter what. i have to stick up for him. but i do not like him.
communicating with him is next to impossible. it hurts. it wears me out. he cuts me down as a person. how can you cut someone down that you dont even know?
he says i dont respect myself...how's that for a jab at your inner being? what a dirtbag.
....once again, sincerest apologies for this blog. i needed to get it out of my system, my blood was on the boil. better blogs to come. soon. just welled up with emotion you know.
it feels like my world is crashing around me. taking bits and pieces of me along. i know im not the one at fault. but am i the catalyst? he has medicines, but he's self prescribing.
he is two faced. he is cycnical. he lies. he manipulates.
he says that he loves me more than i will ever know or understand. but that he cant be my friend like my mother is.
but thats the thing. i dont know if its so much that i am my mothers friend and she is mine as much as she is the one person i can trust with my deepest fears, worries, concerns, my happiest moments. i trust her. she trusts me. we have fun together, and she remembers the things that are important to me. tell me a mother is supposed to be anything less than that and i wouldnt believe you for one second.
my dad however, he used to be my number 1. i could tell him anything. i would tell him everything. not sure if it was the onset of puberty, or his becoming sick, sometimes i wonder if the onset of puberty was what made him sick, but from that point onward, its always been a struggle. it breaks his heart? it breaks my heart to not like my father. yes. i have to love him. no matter what. i have to stick up for him. but i do not like him.
communicating with him is next to impossible. it hurts. it wears me out. he cuts me down as a person. how can you cut someone down that you dont even know?
he says i dont respect myself...how's that for a jab at your inner being? what a dirtbag.
....once again, sincerest apologies for this blog. i needed to get it out of my system, my blood was on the boil. better blogs to come. soon. just welled up with emotion you know.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Ipa?
i'm flipping out.
i hate that i blog only when i'm upset, but it feels like its really the only way to channel my frustrations.
i'm tired of drinking. its stupid. its not fun anymore.
im tired of eric smoking weed around me.
interesting thing is that eric's brother kevin's girlfriend asked him to stop smoking too.
this is how i see it, would he like it if i spoke on the phone the whole time i was with him? no. he wouldn;t, when he's smoked out, it makes me feel like he's preoccupied.
rawr.
and today my Ipa (grandpa on my moms side) called looking for me mom. she;s out of town, so i chatted with him for a bit.
it makes me so sad. i miss him so much. its like he traded us for a new life, for new people.
its the most worthless feeling. i cant even imagine how my abuela feels, to have been married to a man for 40 years, and to find out that for YEARS he'd been having an affair with a woman the same age her youngest daughter.
its despicable, but at the same time, its your Ipa. you love this man.
there's like a war inside my heart. a war that wants to love him. wants to love a boy. but there's something blockading, i dont want to be broken. i dont want to know that pain. ever.
and tonight. i go out again. to hang out with people that are going to smoke and drink.
i'm above that. i can have a fantastic time with out mind altering substances.
i need to make new friends, or re kindle with old friends. i need to be own person.
:/
but i still love mi Ipa.
i hate that i blog only when i'm upset, but it feels like its really the only way to channel my frustrations.
i'm tired of drinking. its stupid. its not fun anymore.
im tired of eric smoking weed around me.
interesting thing is that eric's brother kevin's girlfriend asked him to stop smoking too.
this is how i see it, would he like it if i spoke on the phone the whole time i was with him? no. he wouldn;t, when he's smoked out, it makes me feel like he's preoccupied.
rawr.
and today my Ipa (grandpa on my moms side) called looking for me mom. she;s out of town, so i chatted with him for a bit.
it makes me so sad. i miss him so much. its like he traded us for a new life, for new people.
its the most worthless feeling. i cant even imagine how my abuela feels, to have been married to a man for 40 years, and to find out that for YEARS he'd been having an affair with a woman the same age her youngest daughter.
its despicable, but at the same time, its your Ipa. you love this man.
there's like a war inside my heart. a war that wants to love him. wants to love a boy. but there's something blockading, i dont want to be broken. i dont want to know that pain. ever.
and tonight. i go out again. to hang out with people that are going to smoke and drink.
i'm above that. i can have a fantastic time with out mind altering substances.
i need to make new friends, or re kindle with old friends. i need to be own person.
:/
but i still love mi Ipa.
Monday, June 16, 2008
heart?
Friday morning:
jumped out of bed. trembling. i thought, maybe i'm not really shaking? maybe i'm still dreaming? looked down at my hands, uncontrollable trembles. my head was full, of brains maybe? of thoughts? of paranoia? my chest was tight. and getting tighter. breathing was constricted. normally, i'm at peace with myself, each breath is more life. but this time, each breath, i was getting more and more full. i wanted to keel over and just lay down forever. when i went to school, i felt like every person that spoke to me was interrogating me. i got home from school and bawled my eyes out. i've never ever EVER felt like that before.
Friday afternoon:
eric came. thankfully.
Saturday:
African Dance Music Festival. still felt paranoid, but the dancing made me feel better i guess.
i picked eric up from Marshalls. i was supposed to drive home right after that, to spend some quality family time, but what i dont understand about quality family time, is that all we do is sit on the couch, watching TV, while one of the parents snoozes off to sleep. i'm sorry. but thats just really frustrating. i want to do things, to talk, to laugh to sing and dance. thats quality time. so i didnt drive right home. instead, eric and i napped, and talked and laughed and kissed, and it was awesome awesome awesome.
when i got home, there was a birthday dilemma :( nicola was having a birthday celebration at a cafe in Avondale called Biscotti's. it was an adorable cafe and the food was really cute. and good too i guess?
yo no se.
eric was cute. and kissy. and nice. and i like him alots. i'm kind of concerned he's trying to say -iloveyou. ?!??? not so much concern. i mean i think i could handle it. i dotn know. but im not into the saying thing anymore. i'd rather just be shown. and he's definitely showing me cute stuff.
after the biscotti's experience, eric and i were by a dock in his neighborhood and cops showed up. they made us get out of the car, and asked how old we were, what we were doing, i dont know a lot of stupid questions. it was the cops first day and the other cop with him was his supervisor and was like eh he was suspicious ajdjfldksjflkfjlk whatever. its retarded. i was mad. blaaah
sunday. worked out with my mom and brother. went to church and then went to dinner with the family. after that went out with eric and people and played beer pong and what not. it was super fun too. but i got home really late. and my dad was pissed
and today. my mother yelled at me. saying i choose other relationships over my own with my family. she might be right. i might have done that with other boys. but i dont feel like that. not with him? so i skipped school and hung out with him instead. and as i was napping on his chest i woke up and he was looking at me. and smiled, and said please dont look at me as i'm admiring you.
<3<3<3
and now i'm in Tallahassee.
listening to aboy in nic's english class play the guitar. he's kind of nice. i dont know.
i miss people
jumped out of bed. trembling. i thought, maybe i'm not really shaking? maybe i'm still dreaming? looked down at my hands, uncontrollable trembles. my head was full, of brains maybe? of thoughts? of paranoia? my chest was tight. and getting tighter. breathing was constricted. normally, i'm at peace with myself, each breath is more life. but this time, each breath, i was getting more and more full. i wanted to keel over and just lay down forever. when i went to school, i felt like every person that spoke to me was interrogating me. i got home from school and bawled my eyes out. i've never ever EVER felt like that before.
Friday afternoon:
eric came. thankfully.
Saturday:
African Dance Music Festival. still felt paranoid, but the dancing made me feel better i guess.
i picked eric up from Marshalls. i was supposed to drive home right after that, to spend some quality family time, but what i dont understand about quality family time, is that all we do is sit on the couch, watching TV, while one of the parents snoozes off to sleep. i'm sorry. but thats just really frustrating. i want to do things, to talk, to laugh to sing and dance. thats quality time. so i didnt drive right home. instead, eric and i napped, and talked and laughed and kissed, and it was awesome awesome awesome.
when i got home, there was a birthday dilemma :( nicola was having a birthday celebration at a cafe in Avondale called Biscotti's. it was an adorable cafe and the food was really cute. and good too i guess?
yo no se.
eric was cute. and kissy. and nice. and i like him alots. i'm kind of concerned he's trying to say -iloveyou. ?!??? not so much concern. i mean i think i could handle it. i dotn know. but im not into the saying thing anymore. i'd rather just be shown. and he's definitely showing me cute stuff.
after the biscotti's experience, eric and i were by a dock in his neighborhood and cops showed up. they made us get out of the car, and asked how old we were, what we were doing, i dont know a lot of stupid questions. it was the cops first day and the other cop with him was his supervisor and was like eh he was suspicious ajdjfldksjflkfjlk whatever. its retarded. i was mad. blaaah
sunday. worked out with my mom and brother. went to church and then went to dinner with the family. after that went out with eric and people and played beer pong and what not. it was super fun too. but i got home really late. and my dad was pissed
and today. my mother yelled at me. saying i choose other relationships over my own with my family. she might be right. i might have done that with other boys. but i dont feel like that. not with him? so i skipped school and hung out with him instead. and as i was napping on his chest i woke up and he was looking at me. and smiled, and said please dont look at me as i'm admiring you.
<3<3<3
and now i'm in Tallahassee.
listening to aboy in nic's english class play the guitar. he's kind of nice. i dont know.
i miss people
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
my Generation X factor
so, yesterday i was super bummed. for no apparent reason.
but its as if my internal bad news awareness clock went off early. i'm online, talking to a friend, telling him that i need to get a drink in my system, to get me out of the funk i was in.
BAM! text!
BAM! instant message!
hellloooo ex boyfriends, just saying whats up, seein how i'm doing. earlier in the week, call from another ex, just today, another ex texts me. but i'm infuriated. i can't understand why there is never a clean break? why guys, especially these guys, the ones that essentially broke it off with me, because i was too much of one thing and too little of another, just not quite right.
heart-breaking.
oh well. today, i feel good. granted, i'm hung over. and my stomach is like eating itself.
i'm glad my funk is done.
but its as if my internal bad news awareness clock went off early. i'm online, talking to a friend, telling him that i need to get a drink in my system, to get me out of the funk i was in.
BAM! text!
BAM! instant message!
hellloooo ex boyfriends, just saying whats up, seein how i'm doing. earlier in the week, call from another ex, just today, another ex texts me. but i'm infuriated. i can't understand why there is never a clean break? why guys, especially these guys, the ones that essentially broke it off with me, because i was too much of one thing and too little of another, just not quite right.
heart-breaking.
oh well. today, i feel good. granted, i'm hung over. and my stomach is like eating itself.
i'm glad my funk is done.
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