heart?

Friday morning:
jumped out of bed. trembling. i thought, maybe i'm not really shaking? maybe i'm still dreaming? looked down at my hands, uncontrollable trembles. my head was full, of brains maybe? of thoughts? of paranoia? my chest was tight. and getting tighter. breathing was constricted. normally, i'm at peace with myself, each breath is more life. but this time, each breath, i was getting more and more full. i wanted to keel over and just lay down forever. when i went to school, i felt like every person that spoke to me was interrogating me. i got home from school and bawled my eyes out. i've never ever EVER felt like that before.

Friday afternoon:
eric came. thankfully.

Saturday:
African Dance Music Festival. still felt paranoid, but the dancing made me feel better i guess.
i picked eric up from Marshalls. i was supposed to drive home right after that, to spend some quality family time, but what i dont understand about quality family time, is that all we do is sit on the couch, watching TV, while one of the parents snoozes off to sleep. i'm sorry. but thats just really frustrating. i want to do things, to talk, to laugh to sing and dance. thats quality time. so i didnt drive right home. instead, eric and i napped, and talked and laughed and kissed, and it was awesome awesome awesome.
when i got home, there was a birthday dilemma :( nicola was having a birthday celebration at a cafe in Avondale called Biscotti's. it was an adorable cafe and the food was really cute. and good too i guess?
yo no se.
eric was cute. and kissy. and nice. and i like him alots. i'm kind of concerned he's trying to say -iloveyou. ?!??? not so much concern. i mean i think i could handle it. i dotn know. but im not into the saying thing anymore. i'd rather just be shown. and he's definitely showing me cute stuff.

after the biscotti's experience, eric and i were by a dock in his neighborhood and cops showed up. they made us get out of the car, and asked how old we were, what we were doing, i dont know a lot of stupid questions. it was the cops first day and the other cop with him was his supervisor and was like eh he was suspicious ajdjfldksjflkfjlk whatever. its retarded. i was mad. blaaah

sunday. worked out with my mom and brother. went to church and then went to dinner with the family. after that went out with eric and people and played beer pong and what not. it was super fun too. but i got home really late. and my dad was pissed

and today. my mother yelled at me. saying i choose other relationships over my own with my family. she might be right. i might have done that with other boys. but i dont feel like that. not with him? so i skipped school and hung out with him instead. and as i was napping on his chest i woke up and he was looking at me. and smiled, and said please dont look at me as i'm admiring you.

<3<3<3
and now i'm in Tallahassee.
listening to aboy in nic's english class play the guitar. he's kind of nice. i dont know.
i miss people