sex and the city.

this entire weekend i've been yearning to bawl my eyes out. maybe its just me being hormonal. or maybe i just havent cried in entirely too long. maybe i'm sensitive. whatever.

drove back home, yet again. went to eric's brothers graduation from highschool. it was nice. it was very long. met more family. they were fun. the ride home was hilarious. in the back of the SUV we all drove in was a cooler filled with drinks. their cousin looks back there and tells us there are beers. so, eric, his brother, their cousin thats our age and i all crack one open and enjoy the ride home. illegal in so many ways, hilarious in so many other ways.

saturday i woke up and convinced my little brother to go to the Y with me. got a good work out in, saw eric, played some basketball with my brother, then went swimming. my brother took me out to lunch and we talked for a while. i miss hanging out with him. he's a good boy. i love him so much.

mom and i went to target and bought adorable dresses for the grad parties that night.
stayed in the neighborhood for a little bit to celebrate my neighbor's graduation. he however didnt even stay at his party. he was at his house the whole night with his friends. i, as well as many other guests, thought that to be extremely rude. here we are, celebrating his day, giving him presents, wanting to talk to him, and he was too absorbed in whatever to even be in attendance at his own party.

then went to eric's brother's party. met a whole lot of people. i looked super cute, if i do say so myself, i was feeling super confident. i think it showed.

today. went to the eagle harbor pool with eric and his family. we went tubing and i taught him how to knee board. but he had to go to work. i didnt want to seem like a user, so my brother and i stayed at the pool with his family for a bit. he had to leave for work. but then, everyone i knew left. like him mom and dad and sister. we were left with a 2 aunts, an uncle, and a few cousins that wanted absolutely nothing to do with us.

joe and i go home. i shower because nic and claire are going to come pick me up and we're all going to drive to tallahassee. buttttt. there's a torrential down pour. and so we leave tomorrow morning. eric and i were both bummed i was leaving today (normally i leave on mondays and can hang out with him those mornings, that would not be the case this week) and then i didnt know when i was coming home again. sighhh. anyway. as soon as i found out we'd be leaving tomorrow i texted him, saying come over!fndfjdlj.

and so, its probably not some huge deal. but i feel shafted. he wanted to go to some girls graduation party. a girl i dont particularly like. just because i make initial judgments of people when i meet them and there was just something about her i didnt like. anyway. like, i figured would eventually happen, drugs and alcohol and other people were chosen over me.
i didnt think that my feelings would be as hurt as they are. i'm terribly sad right now. he's drunk as hell, and he wanted me to come to his house. at 1:30 in the morning. normally on times like these (when hes not intoxicated) we lie down on my driveway, look at the stars, and talk. i'm not going to even lie. i was really looking forward to that. we werent alone at all this weekend.
i let him get me in a pissy mood. shit my story line and concept of time is all out of whack i'm so upset. mom and i saw sex and the city. boy did i cry. it was a good movie. i needed a cry like no other. my favorite part of the movie, somewhat odd, but my favorite none the less went something like this:

**CAUTION** do not read if you've not seen the movie

Big is sort of leaving Carrie at the altar. he stops his limo when he realizes that he and carrie are meant to be. carries limo is driving by. he jumps out and tries to get her. she gets out of her limo and runs to him and begins beating him with her bouquet. she runs to charlotte and throws her arms around her and starts sobbing like mad. Big tries to go up to her and charlotte, in a fit of rage, her eyes tear, and her face turns red, she points and SCREAMS at him "NO! NO!!!"
you have to see it to feel the power in that. i cried like crazy.

why? why did i cry?
was it because i've felt like carrie? being shafted and taken for granted? upset that i retaliated in a retarded and humiliating way? maybe not beating someone with a bouquet, but something just as futile? was it that i felt like Big? realizing i made the biggest mistake? was i empathizing with charlotte? protecting the people i love? or was i wishing i had someone like charlotte, that optimistic person, wishing the best, but in the most important of times whipping out that backbone and sheltering me from my deepest nightmares?
i dont know. but it affected me. deeply.

however, im indian style on my bed. not in pajamas. wiping my snotty little nose on the towel next to me, with tears running down my face, reflecting on that powerful scene, wishing that there was someone in my life that i felt that passionately about. be it best friend or significant man in my life.