Ipa?

i'm flipping out.
i hate that i blog only when i'm upset, but it feels like its really the only way to channel my frustrations.

i'm tired of drinking. its stupid. its not fun anymore.
im tired of eric smoking weed around me.
interesting thing is that eric's brother kevin's girlfriend asked him to stop smoking too.
this is how i see it, would he like it if i spoke on the phone the whole time i was with him? no. he wouldn;t, when he's smoked out, it makes me feel like he's preoccupied.
rawr.

and today my Ipa (grandpa on my moms side) called looking for me mom. she;s out of town, so i chatted with him for a bit.
it makes me so sad. i miss him so much. its like he traded us for a new life, for new people.
its the most worthless feeling. i cant even imagine how my abuela feels, to have been married to a man for 40 years, and to find out that for YEARS he'd been having an affair with a woman the same age her youngest daughter.
its despicable, but at the same time, its your Ipa. you love this man.

there's like a war inside my heart. a war that wants to love him. wants to love a boy. but there's something blockading, i dont want to be broken. i dont want to know that pain. ever.

and tonight. i go out again. to hang out with people that are going to smoke and drink.
i'm above that. i can have a fantastic time with out mind altering substances.
i need to make new friends, or re kindle with old friends. i need to be own person.
:/

but i still love mi Ipa.