"recreational" drugs.

i hate them.
i'm not touching weed.
i'm not touching cigarettes.
i'm not smoking hookah.

the red eyed gorilla

i went back home for memorial day weekend.

on saturday my family and i went to the beach with our neighbors and my god parents. it was so much fun.

my normal beach routine: set bag down. set towel down on sand. take off clothes. walk to the water to get my feet wet. lay down. sleep. bake. roll over. sleep. bake. boring? yes. relaxing? yesss

this time however, i was with people that dont seem to understand the fact that at 19 my body is storing up on all the sleep im going to lose when i'm an adult. and my little neighbor andy wanted to play in the sand and go in the water and people wanted to talk and my mom wanted me to hook up the music and then change the song and it just felt like i was never ever going to go to sleep. so i stopped trying, and instead i spoke to everyone, and i built a castle, and i taught a little kid how to skimboard, i went swimming in freezing cold water, i had a blast. that evening my parents had a barbeque with the same people and i invited vy and eric over to join in. that was super awkward. thats all i'm going to say about that.

we went to Leila's that night to smoke hookah. i didnt really want to smoke, i just wanted to get out of the house, and that was the only thing i could really think of, plus claire and nic we're going to be there and i hadnt seen them in a while. we all happened to be dressed in white, it was very very cute.

after that vy went home and eric wasn't feeling good. so we went out to the land dock in his neighborhood and just talked. and this is where the red eyed gorilla comes in...

for as long as i can remember, i've had a recurring nightmare, of a red eyed gorilla sitting in my house, looking at me. it only happens in the night time. it never speaks. it never chases me. it just watches me. i've been told ever since i can remember that when you have a night mare you need to change your sheets because the bad dreams will get caught under your covers and then you'll keep having them. Lord knows i want NO part of that. so i change my sheets and the nightmare doesnt come back, until it does.

i've begun to think, that maybe its not a nightmare, its a reminder, that maybe nightmares are nothing more than just a forceful dream, getting a point across to you, and we dont like them, because they're telling us something important, like change your freakin sheets you ass. or dreams where you're being chased by some scary animal, he idiot, you need to be running towards this.

just something i noticed. sunday, church with the family, and then we were all supposed to do something together, but no one knew what. so we wasted our day away at home until we went to the fandrich's to plan our Key West vacation, who is bringing what, who's cooking what, etc.

this vacation is going to be very very interesting, we're going with 3 other families, they all have sons. i'm basically the only girl aside from Sean's girlfriend and well, i mean, shes there to be with sean, not hang out with me. i'm concerned because, ex bf Kevin is going and then Jason is going too and they're tight with one another. Joe and Brad have each other, Kev and Jay have each other, Sean and Bridget have each other. and me? well, haha. we'll just have to see i guess. ughhhh

sunday night went to a party at Gergens. won at LEAST 11 games of beer pong in a row with Eric. we were awesome. and the glory and adrenaline of winning, and being on top, i couldnt stop. i had no self control. i allowed myself to be put in such a dangerous position on the way home, cramped up in a car. then on the way home i threw up so much i'm sure i had nothing left in my stomach. my mom was so mad at me. i was mad at me. i could have had just as much fun sober as i did drunk, and NOT have puked my brains out. oh the mistakes we make. i know i learned.

and today, today i left home to drive back to Tallahassee, but always before i leave i hang out with Eric, realistically, i'm going to see him in 4 days because i seem to find any reason at all to go home, to hang out with him. today, i walk out of my car, just washed, its gleaming white. he kind of covers his eyes and said something like woah your car is bright today. i'm wearing a white oxford and some mostly white shorts and he uncovers his eyes and said ahh you're so bright too and smiled. i dont know. thats nothing really that big. but it pretty much made my morning. i'm lame. blah haha.

we sit on the bench outside of his house talking, his arm is around me. we always see the coolest things when we're together. saturday night the moon was like a spot light on us. it would be clouded over by the clouds and then when the wind moved them the moon beamed right on us. it was intense. but this morning we saw the weirdest looking bug, i cant even begin to describe it, and were graced by the presence of a buzzing bumble bee.

its like their wings just vibrate, not flap, they sound like a mini fan you'd get at Disney, they're bodies almost too big for those little flimsy wings.

somehow, i have a fairly large cut on my hand, probably from my drunken adventure, and eric, ha, he says, what is this? i know your body and this is not supposed to be there. it was cute. it made me smile.

What we call chaos is just patterns we haven't recognized yet.

woke up early. i was going to go onto campus early to print out my ethnography for music in the library....when i realized i hadnt fixed it. my ethnography was still what i observed. there was no higher realization or "a-ha" moment. and it killed me, to give into what the teacher wanted. because there was really no a-ha for me. i saw what i saw, i heard what i heard, i thought what i thought. and all of that had a musical quality. the end. that was my ethnography. my teacher cant take that away from me.

i sat next to Denise. she was nice. business major and a ballroom dancer. we were both like.... uh... what is this class about? ha. oh well. west african dance tomorrow. should be interesting. sitting in class, spacing out, i tend to people watch. i watched a guy and a girl pass notes to each other, smiling. i watched another couple sit with their heads rested against one another. there was a kid with a mohawk that repeated everything that everyone else said. there were 2 girls that just texted the entire class. a guy that sat in front of me tapped his pencil to every song we listened to.

i walked to statistics. the air felt great. that class is so fun. and we added a new girl to our group. she was a little on the annoying side, but i guess i felt that way because she wasnt bringing anything into the group. only taking my answers. i dont like that. but now i see what the real problem is. its me. im a control freak. i'd rather do all the work, do it how i feel is correct, than let someone else do it. i want to take all the blame, all the credit, i want to be the spokesperson for the group. i'm selfish.

class ended. it was fun none the less. it was raining outside. of course, the day that i walk to school, it would rain. called Drew. he picked me up. love that boy. we had a dance party. gawd i love him. haha.

made dinner. its so sad to eat by myself. its like a waste really. to cook it all. to then not even eat it all. then to clean it. i dont think i can ever live alone. i miss someone in my space.

now reading chuck palahniuk quotes. he's depressing. definitely a half empty kind of guy. but he does have insights.

-Just for the record, she still loves you. She wouldn't bother to torture you if she didn't.
this is so true.

oh yeah!

and something else!

girls. irritate me.
yes. i know that at times i can be insecure, but if i am, i dont tell a lot of people about it, or i completely keep it to myself.
so today on facebook i get a friend request from a girl. her name is camille. i accept her request so that i can you know, scope her out. we have ONLY ten friends in common. i look at the mutual friends that we have and eric is one of them. so...i figure she was probably stalking him and saw that we were dating.
now seriously. she requested me?
to stalk me? to scope me out? to see all my pictures? to read all my stuff?
freakin a. pissed me off.
i hate facebook. i hate myspace. i am probably going to hate this blog thing because people i dont know are going to stalk me here too.
whatever.

lame, insecure girls- grow a pair. be more concerned with your own life than anyone elses. and dont try to take someone else's boyfriend. because if you take something that wasnt yours to begin with, it will never ever be yours in the end.

peace.

nude/naked

this is not sexual.
i love to be naked.

not like, naked with other people, or like, my boyfriend, or anything like that. just. naked, with myself.
i feel like, our skin is our clothes.
is it just me?

the human body is gorgeous. absolutely the most beautiful thing God created. and when it is accompanied by another human body, wow. i think that is the meaning of life really.

my day- spent most of it naked. and it was awesome. i cooked naked. did homework naked. talked on the phone naked. napped naked. showered naked. did my hair naked. lovely.

now im at claire and nicola's apartment with clothes on. i feel hot and constricted.
i think i could totally do a nudist colony thing.

i hope when i'm married...that my husband total feels me on this naked thing.

just my thoughts on that.

loooooovely day

today- it was beautiful.
wore my hippie dress.
it was the perfect breeze outside. the right amount of sun.
so i left my phone charger at home...that was a bummer. i went the entire day basically without ny texts or calls. and it was pretty great. its interesting to see, you know really really see, whats going around in the world when you dont have some small electrical device in your hand. when it buzzes its second nature to check it that instant.
i went a WHOLE school day. and when i finallllllly turned the phone on, cute texts, nice voice mails. it was refreshing.

so now i'm blogging, but i've done a fair share of studying for statistics.
today was great. nic, lance and i all went to dinner. theyre awesome. i'm so glad we're all good now.

i feel like i had an epiphany today. but i dont know waht it was about. so, is it still an epiphany?

i also have realized that i love eyes, lips, and jaw lines.
eyes- eye lashes are amazing. shapes are unique. color and inner texturization (is this a word?) can blow one's mind.
lips- i feel they tell a lot about a person, theres thin a pursed. small and thin. huuuuuge. small and lush. just lush in general. long smooshy ones. bowtie lips. and lips contain smiles so thats extra awesome too.
and jawlines- i feel jawlines are comparable to back bones and inner strength.

ok. those are weird things, but on the human body i love them the most.

backstage?

drove back into town lastnight because today my family and i are going to the OSullivans lake house for Seans graduation party. that place holds major memories for me.

the first time i went there, Kevin and i were dating. he asked me to go when i was eating lunch with the girls, pulled up a chair right by me, all cliche and backward like. hah. girls are saps. so anyway. little brother and i drove out there, listened to jack johnson the whole way. learned to wake board and knee board and did extreme tubing and it was amazing.

the next year, kevin and i were broken up. his family and my family had become the best of friends (i hate when parents do that, like it wasnt already hard enough just being broken up with and having your heart wrenched out of your chest but now you have to go and see him like all the freaking time. erg) so we go out there as a family. kevin and i hardly spoke to one another but i still had a great time.

now this year, im going with my family again. kevin and i are cool. but last night he texted me, asking me what was up in my world. how i was doing, blah blah blah. then he asked me why i wasnt giving him a chance, why i wasnt letting us be together. oh yeah, i forgot, he's spent the better part of this past year trying to get back with me, or as i convince myself in the head- trying to get into my pants. i'm pretty pretty sure i make him out to sound like a bad guy in my mind so that i wont like him or i'll harbor some sort of bad energy towards him so red flags go up in my mind. realistically, hes a really nice guy. simple. smart. but not spontaneous. not loving. afraid to kiss in public and afraid to make his feelings known.

i want someone who's not afraid to say this is my girl and she is amazing. she is awesome. i want hugs and kisses. i want to picked up. i want to be tickled even when i say stop its not funny. i want someone to push my buttons. he doesnt do any of that. he just kind of lays in the background. maybe you marry those kinds of guys. maybe the spontaneous lovers are just fun, and when they break your heart its the background boy that is there to piece it back together?

is that so bad really?

alone?

today was interesting.
stayed up until 5:30 in the morning with eric, talking about how we felt about each other, how we felt about other people, what we wanted out of life, where we want to go, telling jokes. it was great. we fell asleep and when i was somewhat jolted awake i realized that i was holding him. it was weird, i'd never really held someone like that, normally im the one being held... anyway i moved to the other side of the bed and in the middle of the night he was jolted awake and said, "i was just having a nightmare." and put an arm around me and went back to sleep.

he drove me to school. classes went well. then he picked me up again. he packed up his stuff and started getting a little bit sappy, saying how he didnt want to leave and what not. it was funny. but he told me that for such a long drive home he needed to smoke. :(
i made a face, i really hate drugs. he jokingly offered me some and i made a more disgusted face. buttttttttttttt he told me he was going to stop smoking. i mean, he'd gone more than 2 weeks cold turkey because he was trying to get a job, so he can do it. im sure he can. just hope in the end he realizes its about him wanting to quit, not me wanting it for him.

i piddled around the condo for a long time. made some pasta and meat sauce. talked to vy. now vy i know you can read this and im not writing this for you to read, but anyway..... i miss vy hah. i hang out with claire and nicola almost everynight but it feels like something has changed in my relationship with them. i dont know if its maybe that im still kind of subconcsciously mad at her-maybe it is? who knows. im trying to put that bull behind me. whatever. but claire too.? i dont know. its a little distressing and i feel kind of alone because i dont think i have anyone out here?

but talking to vy, she's right. i need to meet new people. make more friends. im not scared. i'm seriously going to look into the crew thing tomorrow. hopefully that works out.

talked to my mom for a while on the phone today. i was just kind of out of it. :/

a boy from Fleming Island High School died yesterday. His name was Wes Whiddon. apparently he and 2 other boys were smoking out on the railroad tracks that run through Black Creek when a train came by. one boy jumped into the water. one boy has his leg amputated and Wes died. i'm going to call my brother soon to make sure he's ok. my mom said she spoke to him today and he seemed really bothered by it. maybe joseph knew this boy?

its so sad that this is the first time he's going to deal with death. i love and miss my little brother. i wish that he was more confidant. that he wasnt afraid to be 14. to make jokes to run around. that he didnt let his leg bother his psyche and that he wasnt afraid to NOT follow the crowd.

slightly bummed i guess, but being alone gives you time to reflect. and reflection isnt so bad. tomorrow is my first test in statistics. its the first test of the new school me. the good grades me.

my mantra: si se puede. (we can do it)

first day

first day of summer session B.
last night i moved into the condo, just trying to get all settled. then went to claire and nicola's apartment and ate dinner.

so last night i was extremely freaked by sleeping in such a huge bed all by myself. at home, i slept in a queen, but i had skittles with me :(
blah.
woke up at 10 am and started getting ready for school. that part was awesome. all by myself, walking around in my underwear for almost 2 hours. it was great.
music world cultures was awesome. i hope i do really really well in that class.
statistics was a borderline night mare.
my schedule said OSB110, so naturally i assumed that it was in the union. eh wrong! oceanography statistics building :( i was ten minutes late for class. but i think the TA thinks im super smart or good at stats or something, which is just about as far from the truth as possible... this could be bad. lol.
but i sat next to a guy that i think is on the football team. he asked me to make sure that he didnt fall asleep because his coach was going to walk in and if he was asleep he was going to have to run at practice....(?)
i dont know lol. but it was funny.

so eric is coming tomorrow!
yiyiyiyi

i wish.......that drugs didnt exist. because they suck. and like, people then need them and they want them all the time and then they're altered and people are so much better when they are not altered. blaaaaah.

talked to derek sutton tonight. hes cool. mom doesnt like him though. she has a good judgment of people, but hes honestly a good guy i feel.

watched season finale of the hills. heidi is so stupid. all she does is make bad decisions. ugh. whatever.

im going to watch "boys and girls" tongiht. derek said it was good. hmm.ok immmmm out

asddghjhkjh

sdfjkl;sdfjlskfjsldkfjisejk flnklv dskfjsdlkjflkds

last night. best date. EVER
the day sucked though. mom stayed home. which was unfortunate because i really wanted to go see eric during the day. i was being told for the past 2 weeks to clean out my car and clean up my room and just basically be clean and i didnt. so she flipped out on me and i wasnt able to go to Orlando with her to pick up Abuela.

on a much happier note- eric is awesome.
he picked me up from my house at around 7. he was lookin all fly in his collared shirt and i was wearing a little dress. it took a bit over an hour to get to st. augustine beach and he had some folky bob dylan music going.

he took a wrong turn and so i got a lovely tour of st. augustine haha. but he was man enough to say he was slightly lost and then called his dad for directions. i really liked that. we ate dinner at south beach grill (LOVED it). he's so great.

after dinner we go to his trunk and he has a blanket, bottle of wine, and his guitar. we're sippin our wine on the beach and kissing and being cute and what not and then he breaks out the guitar and starts singing "first day of my life" by bright eyes.
djlkfjdlkfjdslfkjdsflkdsjfldksfjdlkfjdlkfjdfjslkf
i couldnt help myself. after he finished playing the only thing i could say was, " you're beautiful."
hes amazing.
i just wish he'd realize that. hes smoking now again, he'd stopped for 2 weeks because he believed he was going to be drug tested for his job, but now that hes found out he is not goin to be tested hes at it again. it sucks. i think that he uses weed as his escape from stress and nervousness. but thats essentially the beauty of life, know what imean?

even so, i think im crazy about him. i've hung out with him everyday this break. and its been awesome.

extra exciting news-
vy and claire have come back home from vietnam and the philippines. AHHH
i missed them so much. i lovemy friends.

ok. super exhausted. im chatting online with vy. cant wait to see her. ahh now on the phone with her :)
i like ericcccccc

these things take forever and i especially am slow.

"this is the first day of my life. i'm glad i didnt die before i met you, and i dont care i could go anywhere with you, and i'd probably be happy"

in love with this song. its first day of my life by bright eyes.

went to nemours with mom and joe today to get his knee checked out. i have a feeling its more serious than anyone knows. ehhh

eric got a job at the snack bar at the eagle harbour pool. cool cool. he's super excited :)
went to java's and smoked hookah with about a million people. i like going places and not feeling obligated to sit next to my boyfriend. its kind of liberating. like everyone knows i'm my own person. i was a little bit worried that i'd possibly get stuck feeling like i need to be with him or next to him the entire time.

tomorrow we're going to orlando to pick up abuela. im excited. i love speaking spanish when shes around.
then at night eric's picking me up and we're going out to eat in st. augustine. i'm very very excited. he's a character.
i feel like he puts up a cocky facade around other people, but he's actually pretty mellow and slightly insecure about things. he has the most beautiful voice when he sings. jadfkjdslfkjsdlfk
i like him.

date day

school starts monday.
about time, really.
i need to get my shit back together. i need all As. i need a job. i need to get life going.
went to breakfast early this morning with my dad.
it was really nice. i get kind of nervous around my dad now. i dont like it all. he used to be my best friend back in the day. we'd watch movies. talk. go fishing. but ever since hes had to go on the medicine thing, i feel like hes not the same. i dont know. my mom says we're so alike its scary. and thats really really scary. i dont know if i want to be exactly like him. but so breakfast. we talked about Key West. no Sailboat Steve this year. and that is juuusssssttt fine. i feel so silly when i think about that whole thing last summer. how ridiculous i was- yes, he was hot. mad wicked hot. still possibly the hottest thing i've ever seen, but he's mad old. 23. i'm 19. what more is there to possibly say? why is a guy his age interested in someone that is barely legal. i definitely dont look a day over 16, definite jail bait i guess.

after breakfast drove to Drews to catch a ride for the TPC (the players championship). we picked up his cousin Jeff, who is absolutely hilarious. i think he was flirting with me today. slightly akward, but his game is comical.

came home after it all. "cleaned" lol. riiiight.
starbucks with eric <3
its so difficult liking someone. my heart is saying, come on, open up, and my brain is like... back awaaaaaaay.
ugh. its so hard to break down guards when they've been around so long.

k. passing out.