backstage?

drove back into town lastnight because today my family and i are going to the OSullivans lake house for Seans graduation party. that place holds major memories for me.

the first time i went there, Kevin and i were dating. he asked me to go when i was eating lunch with the girls, pulled up a chair right by me, all cliche and backward like. hah. girls are saps. so anyway. little brother and i drove out there, listened to jack johnson the whole way. learned to wake board and knee board and did extreme tubing and it was amazing.

the next year, kevin and i were broken up. his family and my family had become the best of friends (i hate when parents do that, like it wasnt already hard enough just being broken up with and having your heart wrenched out of your chest but now you have to go and see him like all the freaking time. erg) so we go out there as a family. kevin and i hardly spoke to one another but i still had a great time.

now this year, im going with my family again. kevin and i are cool. but last night he texted me, asking me what was up in my world. how i was doing, blah blah blah. then he asked me why i wasnt giving him a chance, why i wasnt letting us be together. oh yeah, i forgot, he's spent the better part of this past year trying to get back with me, or as i convince myself in the head- trying to get into my pants. i'm pretty pretty sure i make him out to sound like a bad guy in my mind so that i wont like him or i'll harbor some sort of bad energy towards him so red flags go up in my mind. realistically, hes a really nice guy. simple. smart. but not spontaneous. not loving. afraid to kiss in public and afraid to make his feelings known.

i want someone who's not afraid to say this is my girl and she is amazing. she is awesome. i want hugs and kisses. i want to picked up. i want to be tickled even when i say stop its not funny. i want someone to push my buttons. he doesnt do any of that. he just kind of lays in the background. maybe you marry those kinds of guys. maybe the spontaneous lovers are just fun, and when they break your heart its the background boy that is there to piece it back together?

is that so bad really?