alone?

today was interesting.
stayed up until 5:30 in the morning with eric, talking about how we felt about each other, how we felt about other people, what we wanted out of life, where we want to go, telling jokes. it was great. we fell asleep and when i was somewhat jolted awake i realized that i was holding him. it was weird, i'd never really held someone like that, normally im the one being held... anyway i moved to the other side of the bed and in the middle of the night he was jolted awake and said, "i was just having a nightmare." and put an arm around me and went back to sleep.

he drove me to school. classes went well. then he picked me up again. he packed up his stuff and started getting a little bit sappy, saying how he didnt want to leave and what not. it was funny. but he told me that for such a long drive home he needed to smoke. :(
i made a face, i really hate drugs. he jokingly offered me some and i made a more disgusted face. buttttttttttttt he told me he was going to stop smoking. i mean, he'd gone more than 2 weeks cold turkey because he was trying to get a job, so he can do it. im sure he can. just hope in the end he realizes its about him wanting to quit, not me wanting it for him.

i piddled around the condo for a long time. made some pasta and meat sauce. talked to vy. now vy i know you can read this and im not writing this for you to read, but anyway..... i miss vy hah. i hang out with claire and nicola almost everynight but it feels like something has changed in my relationship with them. i dont know if its maybe that im still kind of subconcsciously mad at her-maybe it is? who knows. im trying to put that bull behind me. whatever. but claire too.? i dont know. its a little distressing and i feel kind of alone because i dont think i have anyone out here?

but talking to vy, she's right. i need to meet new people. make more friends. im not scared. i'm seriously going to look into the crew thing tomorrow. hopefully that works out.

talked to my mom for a while on the phone today. i was just kind of out of it. :/

a boy from Fleming Island High School died yesterday. His name was Wes Whiddon. apparently he and 2 other boys were smoking out on the railroad tracks that run through Black Creek when a train came by. one boy jumped into the water. one boy has his leg amputated and Wes died. i'm going to call my brother soon to make sure he's ok. my mom said she spoke to him today and he seemed really bothered by it. maybe joseph knew this boy?

its so sad that this is the first time he's going to deal with death. i love and miss my little brother. i wish that he was more confidant. that he wasnt afraid to be 14. to make jokes to run around. that he didnt let his leg bother his psyche and that he wasnt afraid to NOT follow the crowd.

slightly bummed i guess, but being alone gives you time to reflect. and reflection isnt so bad. tomorrow is my first test in statistics. its the first test of the new school me. the good grades me.

my mantra: si se puede. (we can do it)